The boisterous River North bar, Bottled Blonde, hasn’t really earned much favor when it comes to good press here in Chicago and the lengthy dress code they are instituting is doing the most with the absolute least, seriously. The dress code list has been making its round online. Personally, I have never stepped foot in the establishment, like never and I’m sure it’s because its gives off that royal douchebag central spot vibe or maybe it’s because i’ve heard they are not really welcoming to patrons of a certain skin folk, but that’s just me. If you do decide to venture there, you know because every other bar/restaurant on Wells/Hubbard is over packed or burned to the ground, here’s what you need to know about the classy establishment because nothing says classy quite like bonging Bud light.
-Under any circumstances will they tolerate bad attitudes or behavior because as we all know the bouncers and staff they hire are all rays of sunshine and bubbly babes. So if you’ve had a sh!tty day, boss has you ready to turn in your quit notice, please take that bad attitude somewhere else, don’t bring it to Bottled Blonde, they will have none of it.
-No baggie, sagging, ripped, dirty, frayed, overly flashy or bright clothing. Dang it! I forgot to tell my guy about that. Also what retail store doesn’t sell frayed denim these days. Oh and flashy bright clothing, god forbid I decided to wear a color that will look good on me.
-No Hawaiian, tie dye, floral, skull prints or anything else obnoxious. Ahh yes, Chicago’s own Bill Murray will certainly never be welcome here because guess what kind of shirts he favors? Skull prints of course! No sports jersey (except during games of the appropriate team).
-No embellishments, statement jackets, shirts, beanies or hats. Oh nooooo and the associate at Nordstrom certainly recommended getting that statement jacket because its hot for spring/summer 🙁 now I will be able to wear it everywhere EXCEPT for Bottled Blonde, shame.
-No plain white tees, long tees, denim, flannel, or zippered shirts. What in the entire f*&k does this mean. Who goes to this place, 45 year old CPAs that are uptight douches and only wear Vineyard Vines polos and dockers?
-No cut off shirts, deep v-necks, undershirts or mesh shirts. And no tank tops after 6 p.m. Those damn deep V necks!! Sometimes they show too much chest hair taco meat for my taste as well, so we may agree on that one B&B management. Deep V’s, what a sin!
-No overalls, cargo, bleached, acid wash, odd colored or leather pants. Again WHAT YEAR IS THIS?
-No joggers, manpris, drop crotch pants or multi-zippered pants. Men in grey joggers are the thirst trap of life, which means joggers is life brah? RUDE!
-No Jordans, Nike Air Max, or Air Force Ones. But can I wear my Vapormax? Yeezy Boosts? Just Don’s or Vans? because it only says Jordans and Air max.
-No male jewelry and no visible tattoos on neck, face or hands. We better tell all the guys buying male jewelry at Barneys and Nordstrom.
The list goes on but my eyes can only roll back for so long. None of my time was wasted in reaching out to representatives from the establishment because they probably won’t want my kind in there anyway.
It’s 2017 and from the retail landscape, what is considered luxury urban wear is what most cool kids wear (see Fear of God, RSVP Gallery, Vetements, Fashionova, Gucci even) so what Bottled Blonde is saying is if you’re not an uptight, dockers, boat shoes, khaki wearing square, please do come in! No thanks. The other realm of this exhaustingly long dress code is it has the tone to exclude certain demographics i.e. not caucasian. No it does not say that specifically but let’s be real, saggy pants? tattoos, jordans? Shame.
image via CBS Chicago
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